Monday, February 22, 2010

My Mid-Life Crisis and Other Stories

I'm having a mid-life crisis. My dad had a birthday in January. A client asked what I was doing that weekend, and I told her I was going to celebrate with my family. "Oh, that's nice," she said. "Your dad must be... what, in his 70's?" YES, BECAUSE I AM SO CLOSE TO 40 OR 50! Clients love to guess how old I am. They usually guess 30-something, leaving me wondering where on earth the last ten years of my life went.

Then they had the nerve to host a Mary Kay makeover party at work for the residents. Mary Kay told us that after twenty, we should be using a whole new kind cleansers and moisturizers. She recommended one called TimeWise. Are you serious?

Then at the maternity home I'm surrounded by girls born in the mid-nineties who are pregnant. They should have thought about unintended consequences, like chlamydia and making me feel old, before they jumped in bed with their older boyfriends.
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Speaking of old, we're putting in an offer on a house that's older than me no matter what I look like. See, it's the cutest house ever featured on this blog, and I'm prematurely showing the internet as if it's mine! As I type, Abe is faxing the offer to our realtor, and I am getting carpel tunnel trying to keep all my fingers crossed and hit the right keys at the same time. It was built in 1926 close enough to my work that I'll be able to walk. Like it knew I was coming, all those years ago. Once it's ours (God, please oh please oh please!), you're welcome to come over to help us clean up the yard, replace the siding, polish the hardwoods, and finish the kitchen.

There's a voice in my head that tells me I'll be paying for this house until I'm as old as my clients think I am. I want to find that voice and make it eat wrinkle cream.
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Yesterday I hit my ultimate Goodwill jackpot. I kept finding these beautiful high-waisted vintage wool skirts *with pockets *in my size.... which, I was alarmed to learn, was apparently a "10" back in the day. Anyway, some other 10-sized person had clearly just cleaned out their closet for my benefit - every single pocket had a neatly folded tissue in it. Gross? Maybe a little. I bought them all anyway.
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Today I went to a workout class for the first time since um, Christmas...ish (making that size 10 come true!). The instructor seemed to have me confused with bionic man. "Only one more! Push it!" One more? I was already in the fetal position. She told us all to get a set of heavier weights, and a set of lighter weights, but that was a trick so we wouldn't walk out. We never used the lighter weights. She seemed to have control of time itself so that there were always ten more minutes - enough to do just one more exercise! Every time she said, "one more set!" I died a little inside. And if you were wondering why this is such a long blog post, it's because I don't think I can stand up.


  1. I think you just made my day, karen! You are an excellent writer and I'm just sitting here chuckling to myself. Thanks for your stories and the way you share them -so fun to read. Keep posting. Enjoy those wool skirts and I hope you get that house- it IS cute!!

  2. You're so funny, Karen. :~) I was just thinking of "crab-pinchers" the other day; Nich was sweet enough to watch "Joy Luck Club" with me, and there's a scene where this little girl is plinking at the piano with crab legs. Anyway, it made me think of you and Bonnie.

    I hope you get that house - love it! And don't you worry about that silly Mary Kay lady. She was probably just trying to push the product to your residents. You're beautiful!

  3. Take the comments regarding your age as a compliment - that's how I've decided to deal with the fact that 5 different people over the past 2 years have confused Devon as being my son instead of my brother. If I hear one more person say, "Oh, isn't big brother so cute with his little sisters (the little sisters being my daugters)!" I think I'm going to cry. I've decided to hope that this means I look mature in a good way, not in a tired, haggard, mother/housewife way. I dunno though. :)

    For the record, you are beautiful (and don't look old at all!!!), Karen, and this latest post was a scream! :) The house is truly adorable - hope it works out for you guys. Megan

  4. The blog is back, yay!

    Hopefully we won't have to wait until all that new-house-work is done before we see photos of at least ONE of the new skirts (tissues optional

    ~love from the happiest gum-chewer in Haiti~

  5. Hilarious! Thanks for posting a little window into your life. I hope you guys get the house!

  6. a house!??! a house??! im so excited for you!
    and what a super adorable house it is!
    perfect for such an adorable family of you and abe and franc and kina! good luck i hope you get it!

  7. That house is adorable! I am jealous of both your house and your Goodwill skirts. And Time Wise cream? Are you kidding?