Me and my bluetooth

I crave presents. See? I can't get enough.

One of my presents this birthday was a bluetooth headset. I was a little surprised when Abe handed it to me, and thought that either my mother bribed him to give it to me, or my husband is under the impression that I am a terrible driver. (Surely not because I told him that I once tried to back out of my parent's garage with the garage door still closed? And it can't be from the time that I got my car stuck in the landscaping at a local shopping center? Hey. It was dark. I was tired.)

Anyway, at first I resisted the bluetooth, because:

1. I blame my bad driving on genetics (sorry, Mom), not cell phone use.
2. And I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone under the age of 40 using a bluetooth outside of a cell phone store.
3. And people who use bluetooths walk around looking like they're talking to themselves.
4. And I look crazy enough all by myself. (See above).
5. And my mom used to drive me crazy, trying to answer her phone when her bluetooth was set to automatically pick up. I would hear her faintly say, "hello?" and I would shout, "Mom! I'm on your headseat, in your purse!" and she would hang up on me. I thought, "A bluetooth makes me feel frustrated and small and helpless."

But then I tried it. I turned it on, and this bluetooth voice spoke into my ear. It told me, "Say command." And a whole new world was born. In this new world, I am powerful. I am Batlady!* I speak, and my bluetooth obeys. I imagine that I can tell my bluetooth to do anything, and it will. Cleaning the litter box, taking cough medicine, and working on holidays are no longer things I have to face alone! Because if I wanted to, I think I could tell my bluetooth, "You do it." My bluetooth has empowered me, and so far, I have kept this wonderful illusion alive by limiting my commands to a short list (which appears on my phone when you push the bluetoothy button. Another miracle: My bluetooth can cooperate with technology! This is amazing, since alone I have trouble convincing a photocopier to put out). I say, "Call [anyone]." And it does! My bluetooth asks "Did you say, 'call [anyone]'?" And I say "you know it!"** And it says, "Calling..." I can say "Listen voicemail" (like a caveman, but I don't think they had voicemail. Probably just actual snail mail). I can say "Time and date," and my bluetooth will tell me. I can say "missed calls," and my bluetooth will list who and when. Having a bluetooth is better than having a secretary, because you don't have to pay their wages or worry they'll seduce your partner.

Here are other great things about my bluetooth:

1. I can call you while I'm washing dishes. Look, Ma! No hands!
2. I look like I'm crazy, so people leave me alone.
3. It is the only way I know to make my clients be quiet. They come to the pod shouting, and I point to my ear. Suddenly, their voice drops to a loud whisper. "I'm sorry! I didn't know you were on the phone." (No, Ma, I don't usually answer my phone at work. But sometimes work folk call me on my cell, so I keep it handy.)
4. It's smaller than my earrings. (I wear big earrings. This is because I am "so native," according to my noisy clients.)
5. "With the flexible bluetooth headsets, the drivers have no need to answer a telephone during driving. So it makes sure drivers’ safety. So for those business men, bluetooth headsets actually play a key role during driving. It releases drivers’ hands free and enhances extra safety." (New rule! You have to read that article, because it is awesome. Maybe the most awesome thing about it is that it was edited by Cynthia. You catch me? It was edited.)

Now Abe wants his own bluetooth, so we'll have blueteeth! (Don't tell my dentist. I would hate to cause undue alarm. This must be what all those whitening products are for.)

*because of my incredible powers due to amazing technology, not because I'm bats-in-my-belfry crazy. That is just insulting.
** actually, "yes."